Doing it all again

Seriously, more than four years since I blogged?

Here's what's happened:

-- Kids have grown big! They're 9 and 12! I probably can't blog about them and live!
-- Got divorced. Not going to talk about that here, but suffice to say it's all good.
-- Got a pretty awesome boyfriend.
-- Moved close to work, close to kids' schools.
-- Gained...20 pounds? Um, oops.

So it's that last thing that merits some blogging. Mostly I'm thinking about this because for the last few years, as I've gained weight, I've always thought, "Well, I could just work out harder tomorrow, and it will be fine."

But a week and a half ago, I was playing football (oh! yeah! I play football! The American kind! It's the most fun ever!) and I was running full-speed toward the person with the ball - I was on defense - and my teammate and I collided and something terrible happened to my knee.

I don't really remember, since I was rolling around on the ground in pain and had to be carried off the field. And the thing I couldn't get out of my head was, "How can I possibly work out like this? I'm going to gain a million pounds!"

It's been 10 days, and it's getting MUCH better. I'm off crutches and can walk reasonably. The doctor said I need to wear a brace on my leg for four weeks, then we'll reassess and figure out what to do next (it's my MCL).

What I think: It feels okay. Not awesome, not perfect, but okay. I think I'm going to heal quickly.

But the injury finally pushed me to start meal tracking properly. I know the best way to affect my body and weight is by my eating habits - not my exercise - so all I have to do is meal track and eat properly and I'll be fine.

Well, easier said than done. Blogging might help. We'll see. Either way: I'm fatter than I've been in forever. It's not getting better. I'm still athletic and stuff, but it's not the same as it was before - it makes me miserable to see myself in the mirror, just like I felt when I first realized I needed to lose the weight.

So it's time.

There are lots of blogs about losing weight, and they're awesome! I love reading them! But here's one that's about losing weight, then silence as I regain the weight, and here's a commitment to losing it again.

I'm nearly 40! If not today, when?

Fabulous run!

On Sunday, I ran about 10 miles with a couple of friends. They are running the Seattle half marathon for the first time in two weeks; I've done it a bunch, so I offered to show them the route.

It was so wonderful. From the minute we started, I felt strong, confident, light - everything a distance runner should feel. Even by the time we finished, despite not running more than six miles since the marathon, I felt awesome. I could have run more.

It's a testimony to the weight loss. It's way more important to my endurance than long runs, I think. Not that I'd skip the long runs during marathon training - but I do think it speaks to how right I am to work on weight loss before endurance training again.

Then yesterday I did six something on the treadmill with the "deck of cards" run - so fun, so hard, and I felt so great when it was over.

Yay running!

28:03

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now, and this morning decided it's time.

I'm never going to be a fast runner if I don't start running fast. Again.

So from now one, once a week or so, I'm going to run the 5K profile on the treadmill. Every week, I have to run it faster than the week before.

This will be impossible if I'm heavier than I am right now, by the way (weight's back down after my bingey weekend, thank goodness).

Today, though, was the baseline. I deliberately didn't want to push too hard and make it harder for me in subsequent weeks. Plus, I coerced my workout partner to do it too, and she doesn't run very much yet, so I knew I'd be on the treadmill for 45 minutes or so anyway.

So, 28:03. Not horrible for a hilly profile where I didn't bother to run very fast until the last kilometer.

Next week, though...drop a minute? We'll see.

(And just so we don't forget, my non-runner friend who I'm training to be a runner did 46:09.)

Sugar = depression

So this weekend was a little nutty.

First, for some reason I decided to eat popcorn Friday night. Calorie-wise, I ended up okay for the day - but I still wasn't awesome.

Then Saturday started out well, but we had a potluck Saturday night and I was drinking and friends brought over stuff like homemade macaroni and cheese, some crazy gourmet mushroom-on-bread appetizer and Mexican casserole...and combine that yummy stuff with alcohol and I pretty much ate what I wanted to instead of on plan.

So Sunday, of course, I wasn't feeling awesome as a result of the vodka and soda I'd been consuming...and food, especially carbs, did make me feel better. So, I ate really poorly compared to lately, and by Sunday night had a stomachache and, although my hangover was gone, I felt horrible because of what I'd eaten.

I started down these stupid lines of thinking: maybe I'll fast tomorrow. Maybe I'll force myself to vomit right now. Maybe I'll get my ass out of bed and start exercising RIGHT NOW, even though I'm tired and cuddling with my daughter and should be sleeping.

Finally, I forced myself to stop thinking about stupid things and resolve to go back to the right diet tomorrow (meaning, today). I fell asleep...and had terrible dreams, like that my laptop was stolen, I was lost, I didn't have all this information I needed, etc.

And then I couldn't get out of bed the first time my alarm went off...or the second...or until we had barely enough time to get the kids ready for school. It was just like last winter/spring, when I was actually depressed and couldn't get out of bed until the very last minute before I had an obligation.

I remembered why I felt so awful - the eating, the alcohol - and got my behind out of bed. I got the kids ready and drove to work.

Today is a gorgeous, warm day. I'm wearing a shirt that didn't fit five weeks ago, and I weighed myself and my morning weight was only a pound higher than it would have been had I not had all the sugar yesterday (I know it's not real weight, but water retention as a result of the sugar).

I ate turkey bacon for breakfast and brought a salad with chicken breast to work today. I know how to go back on track.

And I'm amazed at how just one crappy weekend can throw everything into a tailspin - temporarily, at least, until I catch myself and put myself back on the right path.

No more sugar. It is evil!

Notes from the last few weeks

I've been meaning to blog; every day I practically write an entry in my head while I'm working out. But then I get to work, get busy, and don't get to writing.

Today, though, I'm not so busy, so it's time to write down some of the thoughts I've had over the last couple of weeks.

First, I haven't backslid into poor eating habits. In fact, I'm on the third week of a "Stage 2" diet of the 20/20 program - basically eating protein, vegetables, and berries. I have made an exception for pineapple and apples, though, when I get sick of strawberries.

I have had two days where I exceeded 1200 calories - but I still meal-tracked every bite and sip, and haven't had a single day where my calorie expenditure didn't exceed what I took in.

I'm down about 13 pounds. My fat pants are too big, all of my clothing fits and looks normal, and I'm feeling amazing.

When I run, nothing jiggles. I remember writing at some point last winter about needing a "butt bra" - not anymore.

My legs and arms have defined muscles in them, thanks to my consistent three-day-a-week weight lifting routine.

I ran three days this week - six miles each time. Somehow the ends of my runs - the last couple of miles - ended up faster than the beginnings. Yesterday, the last 1.1 miles was uphill. Before I realized it, I was ahead of the other girls - and they never caught back up. I think I ran that mile faster than any other - and when I was done, I wanted to go further. I finally don't feel like an imposter running.

I know that might sound ridiculous - I just ran an entire marathon a month ago - but that's how I felt. Like I was faking it, not like I was really a runner. Now that I'm back to normal, I remember how easy running used to be. It feels awesome!

I'm a little sick of my food choices, but it was easy to forgo Halloween candy. It's harder to not binge on things like nuts - and last night I had a little breakdown and ate a mix of banana chips, dried cranberries, and cashews. By my calculation, it was 350 unnecessary calories (even after I'd brushed my teeth for the night!) - and I'd love to punish myself for doing it, but I am trying to not develop the "buy food with exercise" habit right now, so I'm just meal-tracking it and moving on.

I will not be setting a new exercise goal until I am at my goal weight...which I hope to be at by Christmas. Six pounds more. I know I can do it...slowly and safely.

Off sugar!

So the diet is getting easier (especially now that I'm letting myself have some vegetables). I haven't gone over 1200 calories in a day - even if I go out on the weekend and drink alcohol (vodka and soda is my poison of choice right now).

And it's totally working - I fit into my clothes again, I'm sleeping better, waking up more easily, and most of all, just way happier!

Like, I go to work and can totally tolerate people I normally can't stand. And annoying things happen and I take them in stride.

I attribute this change in attitude to being off sugar. My head just feels more clear.

So, it's all worth it!

Full, but not satisfied

Well, the diet is going really well. I have managed to consume fewer than 1,200 calories each day, and I eat every time I feel hungry.

But, tonight is tough. Friends are over, one of whom makes amazing fajitas and rice and beans and homemade salsa - and I'm eating the fajita meat (flank steak) and...nothing else. Well, shrimp cocktail, too. So, shrimp and steak. And the fact is, I'm no longer hungry. My belly is full. But how I would love to have some chips and salsa right now.

But I'm down eight pounds since Monday. People are noticing already. So this is going to be worth it.

In other news, on Thursday I ran by myself for the first time in forever, and on Friday I did cardio and weight lifting alone. I haven't been able to motivate myself to do these things without friends in a year; it felt good to get through it alone (but I'd still prefer to do it with friends).