You know, I'm going to have to go back and look at old training schedules, but I'm pretty sure that none of them included an 18-mile run during the "taper" period.
So last week, we ran 22 miles. It felt great. In fact, for weeks all of my long runs have felt great. So knowing that 22 was the longest put me in this mindset of, "It's all done! Easy from here on out until the race!"
But, honestly, I think in other seasons, my longest run was 3 weeks out from the race - not four. So for this training season, it totally made sense to run one more long one - 18 miles.
Except for the simple fact of thinking I was in a taper meant I treated this long run a lot less seriously - to my detriment.
The last time I did 18 miles, I did go out Friday night (and big, too - Saturday was total recovery from Friday that weekend), but that Saturday during the day I hydrated well, ate properly and went to bed at 8:30 p.m.
This time? Um...well, I had plans to go out last night, and I made the brilliant decision to put my curfew at 3 a.m. - then I decided 3 a.m. was the "start to head home" time, not the "be asleep in bed" time.
In my defense, the run wasn't until 9 a.m. - but I had to bring the kids to their grandma's house for babysitting, so I had to wake up by 7:30 anyway.
I actually woke up at 7:15, before my alarm went off. I felt pretty much okay. Got a bagel and some coffee down, took the kids out to grandma's, came home and finished getting ready. Aleks was on time, as always, and we headed out at 8:59 a.m.
The first five miles was good - even fast. The next three miles were okay. And the next two - now we're five miles away from Nancy's car, who met us at mile 5 - were bordering on torture.
My left knee was doing that thing where it feels like the leg from the knee down had turned around in the knee socket. Because of the knee pain, I was running funny and making my calf tight and sore.
And then I got weird side stitches and pains very low in my belly. So I decided at mile 10 to walk a while.
I told Nancy and Aleks to go on ahead to 6.5 miles before turning around; I thought at worst, I'd walk the five miles back in the time they took to run what they had left (8 miles), and we'd finish together.
And walk I did. Not the entire time - I did go one full mile, just to see how long it took me to walk a mile (14:30, if you're wondering), but the rest of the miles I walked until I felt like running, and then ran until I felt like walking. I timed two of these: one was 11:30, and another was 12:30. I actually found this slightly annoying: If I'm running 10s to 11s, shouldn't my run-walk miles be way slower? Doesn't seem like running is all that efficient for me!
So, I got back to the car, and Nancy and Aleks were not yet in sight, so I ran-walked another mile to get 16 or so, then saw them. I didn't get 18 in, but I am not really beating myself up over it: it's a good lesson for me. How arrogant am I, to think I can party until 3 a.m., sleep a few hours, then go run 18 miles?
I feel good about recognizing my arrogance. It's good to learn from your mistakes, right - and now I see very clearly that I wasn't respecting my run, my running partners, or my body by trying to prove I could do it all.
16 is still nothing to be ashamed of, of course. Next weekend when we run 15 miles, I'll remember what happened today - and not let it happen again.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I was certain I could do it...
But I was totally and completely wrong.
So Gabriel has been practicing a rock beat. It's like this:
On the hi-hat, with the foot pedal depressed, 8 beats to the ? measure? I don't even know. But it's 8.
On the bass drum, with the other foot, 4 beats to the measure.
On the snare drum, hit on the 2 and 4 for the bass drum.
So two hands and one foot are moving at different rates, but all together.
I know what this sounds like. I know what this looks like.
But when I sat down to try it...NO GO.
It was SO HARD. I know I'm old and the kid is young, but still.
It was impossible!
I mean, for me. Gabriel continues to make it look easy.
Spent $1,000 on a drum kit for him today. Obviously it's pretty nice for an eight-year-old.
Thank good ol' uncle Bill for a bonus, I guess!
Pics later...the card I'm using in my camera doesn't want to be read by my laptop, and I'm too lazy to go find a computer that will read it.
Oh, and in other, but related news: If you ever want to see a kid motivated to clean a stinky garage, promise a drum kit, complete with a little rug to put it on. Gabriel has never been so helpful before, and my garage has never been so clean. :-)
So Gabriel has been practicing a rock beat. It's like this:
On the hi-hat, with the foot pedal depressed, 8 beats to the ? measure? I don't even know. But it's 8.
On the bass drum, with the other foot, 4 beats to the measure.
On the snare drum, hit on the 2 and 4 for the bass drum.
So two hands and one foot are moving at different rates, but all together.
I know what this sounds like. I know what this looks like.
But when I sat down to try it...NO GO.
It was SO HARD. I know I'm old and the kid is young, but still.
It was impossible!
I mean, for me. Gabriel continues to make it look easy.
Spent $1,000 on a drum kit for him today. Obviously it's pretty nice for an eight-year-old.
Thank good ol' uncle Bill for a bonus, I guess!
Pics later...the card I'm using in my camera doesn't want to be read by my laptop, and I'm too lazy to go find a computer that will read it.
Oh, and in other, but related news: If you ever want to see a kid motivated to clean a stinky garage, promise a drum kit, complete with a little rug to put it on. Gabriel has never been so helpful before, and my garage has never been so clean. :-)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Gabriel goes to the School of Rock Music
Okay so I know I'm a proud mommy. But oh my goodness, yesterday I could not wipe the silly smile off my face for Gabriel's entire first lesson at the Seattle School of Rock Music.
Seriously. Gabriel's been taking guitar lessons, but he really wants to be a drummer. And he's got some natural talent. So, despite the fact that the school is like 30 miles from home, and lessons and rehearsals are twice a week, and gas costs a million dollars for my beloved but gas-guzzling car, I signed him up. Oh and I didn't even mention the monthly fee, the noise associated with having a child practice drums in the house, and the expense of a real drum kit.
But he did promise to give me $10 million from his first billion, so that's pretty generous for the woman who spent 19 hours in labor with him, right?
So, really, the kid is coordinated and has rhythm. By the end of his first lesson, he had his foot and each hand going at a different rate (I don't know anything about music, can you tell?) and it sounded great. His instructor was even smiling when Gabriel couldn't see him.
Here comes my next role: stage mommy. Gotta love it.
Seriously. Gabriel's been taking guitar lessons, but he really wants to be a drummer. And he's got some natural talent. So, despite the fact that the school is like 30 miles from home, and lessons and rehearsals are twice a week, and gas costs a million dollars for my beloved but gas-guzzling car, I signed him up. Oh and I didn't even mention the monthly fee, the noise associated with having a child practice drums in the house, and the expense of a real drum kit.
But he did promise to give me $10 million from his first billion, so that's pretty generous for the woman who spent 19 hours in labor with him, right?
So, really, the kid is coordinated and has rhythm. By the end of his first lesson, he had his foot and each hand going at a different rate (I don't know anything about music, can you tell?) and it sounded great. His instructor was even smiling when Gabriel couldn't see him.
Here comes my next role: stage mommy. Gotta love it.
Monday, September 08, 2008
A silent house
I've been so behind on blogging again, mostly because school started and chaos ensued and I'm only now starting to feel back in control of everything.
And right now, as I sat alone at my kitchen table to eat some dinner, I realized: my house is silent, except for the hum of the washing machine.
Camille is next door; 10 minutes ago she came home and asked how long she could stay at her friend's house and whether she could have ice cream. Gabriel went to a neighborhood community center with his friends to go swimming. John is taking a nap.
I woke up today at 5:45, worked 7 to 3:30 in the office, picked up the kids from school, worked again from 4:15 until about 6, then picked up the house and folded laundry. It's 8 p.m. and I have nothing left that I have to do - I even managed to help both kids with their homework and piano and guitar practice while I was cleaning up.
It feels like a little glimpse of what's to come: the older these kids get, the more independent - and the quieter the house. It's weird. And frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.
Oh, and in uneventful running news, I ran 22 miles yesterday, then had brunch with the girls, then went shopping for birthday presents, then spent the afternoon and evening at a birthday barbecue on the beach in Seattle. Got home late, had to bathe both kids, get lunches and uniforms ready for school tomorrow, and prepare for work today. Just a typical weekend day, right?
And right now, as I sat alone at my kitchen table to eat some dinner, I realized: my house is silent, except for the hum of the washing machine.
Camille is next door; 10 minutes ago she came home and asked how long she could stay at her friend's house and whether she could have ice cream. Gabriel went to a neighborhood community center with his friends to go swimming. John is taking a nap.
I woke up today at 5:45, worked 7 to 3:30 in the office, picked up the kids from school, worked again from 4:15 until about 6, then picked up the house and folded laundry. It's 8 p.m. and I have nothing left that I have to do - I even managed to help both kids with their homework and piano and guitar practice while I was cleaning up.
It feels like a little glimpse of what's to come: the older these kids get, the more independent - and the quieter the house. It's weird. And frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.
Oh, and in uneventful running news, I ran 22 miles yesterday, then had brunch with the girls, then went shopping for birthday presents, then spent the afternoon and evening at a birthday barbecue on the beach in Seattle. Got home late, had to bathe both kids, get lunches and uniforms ready for school tomorrow, and prepare for work today. Just a typical weekend day, right?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Cross-posting from the Zune Insider blog
Check this out: http://zuneinsider.com/archive/2008/08/21/what-happens-to-a-kid-when-mom-works-for-zune.aspx
Something I wrote for a work-related blog I contribute to. Fun!
Something I wrote for a work-related blog I contribute to. Fun!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Four five-mile runs
Today we had 20 miles on the schedule. Despite running pain free this week, the leg workout Danielle gave me Wednesday basically destroyed my quads, so I didn't run much up to Sunday. I did go out dancing...in heels...twice.
So Aleks and I really wanted to run a flat course for physiological reasons - my knee and her hip issues are exacerbated on hills. And Portland is a really flat course, so I felt okay with an easy run.
We decided to leave her car at a park along the Cedar River Trail and run out five miles, then back five, then meet up with Nancy and Sarah and run five out the other way.
Running this way - with four five-mile sections - made it feel so easy. I felt like every 2.5 miles was actually a milestone: we were halfway through that section!
The first 10 miles was pretty easy. Nancy and Sarah weren't quite ready when we got back to the parking lot, so we stopped for a potty break. I walked around the parking lot for a few minutes and felt...nothing. No soreness, no pain - only the tiniest bit of tiredness.
The second 10 miles was much more interesting, both because of the scenery and because Aleks and I played a game. We had to work into our conversation certain obnoxious words...and every 15 minutes I had to mention that I was an Ironman. It was kinda easy to do that, since today is Ironman Canada 2008. But the other words...including "sausage factory," "beaver," "butt plug," and "corn hole" proved to be a little more challenging...but super-entertaining for Aleks and me. We did let Nancy and Sarah in on the joke by the end of the run.
Whenever I run, no matter the distance, I feel done at 75 to 80% of the run - whether the distance be 6 miles, 16, or 26. Today was no different. I felt fine, but by mile 17, I wanted to be done. But nothing hurt, so I just kept moving.
Aleks decided at 17 to empty the gas tank, so she ran ahead. When I finally reached her, I said, "Am I done? Did I hit 20?" I knew she had her GPS and would have run right up until 20 miles - not 19.9 or whatever. She told me I had to keep moving to a sign down the street a bit, so I took off sprinting to finish it off. I really wanted to get exactly 20 today.
When I finished, I felt amazing. Sure, my legs are exhausted - even now, seven hours later, they're so heavy and tired and I feel almost ill. But seriously, my runner's high today was a flood of serotonin: I felt awesome! I couldn't stop smiling! I ran 20 miles pain-free and in 3:40 - which is an 11-minute mile average, but whatever! I can run happy, if slow.
And now, Aleks and I have one more long run two weekends from now - a 22-miler - and then we taper for the marathon. I'm almost through my hard training!
So Aleks and I really wanted to run a flat course for physiological reasons - my knee and her hip issues are exacerbated on hills. And Portland is a really flat course, so I felt okay with an easy run.
We decided to leave her car at a park along the Cedar River Trail and run out five miles, then back five, then meet up with Nancy and Sarah and run five out the other way.
Running this way - with four five-mile sections - made it feel so easy. I felt like every 2.5 miles was actually a milestone: we were halfway through that section!
The first 10 miles was pretty easy. Nancy and Sarah weren't quite ready when we got back to the parking lot, so we stopped for a potty break. I walked around the parking lot for a few minutes and felt...nothing. No soreness, no pain - only the tiniest bit of tiredness.
The second 10 miles was much more interesting, both because of the scenery and because Aleks and I played a game. We had to work into our conversation certain obnoxious words...and every 15 minutes I had to mention that I was an Ironman. It was kinda easy to do that, since today is Ironman Canada 2008. But the other words...including "sausage factory," "beaver," "butt plug," and "corn hole" proved to be a little more challenging...but super-entertaining for Aleks and me. We did let Nancy and Sarah in on the joke by the end of the run.
Whenever I run, no matter the distance, I feel done at 75 to 80% of the run - whether the distance be 6 miles, 16, or 26. Today was no different. I felt fine, but by mile 17, I wanted to be done. But nothing hurt, so I just kept moving.
Aleks decided at 17 to empty the gas tank, so she ran ahead. When I finally reached her, I said, "Am I done? Did I hit 20?" I knew she had her GPS and would have run right up until 20 miles - not 19.9 or whatever. She told me I had to keep moving to a sign down the street a bit, so I took off sprinting to finish it off. I really wanted to get exactly 20 today.
When I finished, I felt amazing. Sure, my legs are exhausted - even now, seven hours later, they're so heavy and tired and I feel almost ill. But seriously, my runner's high today was a flood of serotonin: I felt awesome! I couldn't stop smiling! I ran 20 miles pain-free and in 3:40 - which is an 11-minute mile average, but whatever! I can run happy, if slow.
And now, Aleks and I have one more long run two weekends from now - a 22-miler - and then we taper for the marathon. I'm almost through my hard training!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
We're doing WHAT?
Met Danielle for weight lifting today...where she said, "We're doing legs today!"
OW!!! Pyramid sets of lunges and squats hurt. I mean, you know you're going to be sore the next day when you finish the workout already sore.
But it's all good. I need it.
Ran yesterday; just six miles, but for the first time in a while, the six felt completely effortless. I mean, I did my 18 happy, but I haven't had a truly effortless run in a while. So yay!
OW!!! Pyramid sets of lunges and squats hurt. I mean, you know you're going to be sore the next day when you finish the workout already sore.
But it's all good. I need it.
Ran yesterday; just six miles, but for the first time in a while, the six felt completely effortless. I mean, I did my 18 happy, but I haven't had a truly effortless run in a while. So yay!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Party like a rock star, train like an athlete
This weekend was slated for two events: Christopher Lawrence at Last Supper Club, and an 18-mile training run.
Accomplishing both would be a major feat. After all, a good night in the club means drinking, staying up late, partying, dancing - and to run 18 miles means eating well, hydrating, getting lots of rest.
Hmm. They don't at first seem particularly compatible, huh?
Not even just at first: They're NOT. But I'm happy that I managed - with the help of my lovely husband - to do both.
I took Friday off of work to spend with out-of-town family and the kids. Once my out-of-town relatives took off on the cruise they had scheduled, the kids and I ran errands and got ice cream together, so we spent a pretty nice afternoon. (They were semi-fun errands: getting a microphone stand for Gabriel so he can sing and play guitar at the same time, getting Camille's school uniforms - more adorable than you'd think.)
The kids and I played and made dinner together in the late afternoon, and the babysitter arrived around 9:30. By the time we hit the club, we were ready for a good time. Tons of friends there, great music - it was a blast. Per Danielle's advice, I drank vanilla stoli and soda, but in a tall glass - so only one shot of liquor at a time and lots of soda. I think that helps to stave off some dehydration.
But you know how when you're out at night and you're having a good time, and you don't want the night to end? Well, John and I both felt that way - and he had been invited to a bachelor party in a hotel nearby. The bachelor party had been to the club earlier, so they knew I was with John - and they said it was cool for me to come, too! So I attended my first bachelor party. It was really just a bunch of guys we knew sitting around and being silly, but it was fun.
So we were out until about 4:30. I slept until around noon (John barely slept at all), and then hung with the kids until it was time to go to a birthday party. The birthday party rocked - all the kids were entertained, all the adults sat outside and chilled.
That evening, though, everyone was invited over another friend's house, and that's where I had to draw the line. I said I'd be in bed by 9:30 p.m., and actually I was in bed at 8:30 with two Tylenol PM. I fell asleep and slept until 5:45 a.m. - woke up feeling refreshed and happy. John was awesome - he really wanted to go out, so he got a babysitter even though I was home to make sure I didn't have to referee. We also had a couple extra kids over, doing a favor for another friend.
So I got up, choked down half a bagel and half a banana (so hard to get the calories in in the morning!), and Aleks met me at the house.
I planned a route that involved a two-mile climb half a mile into the run. Ha. Then the rest was all rolling hills - the next 2 on pavement, then nearly 10 on trail, then the rest back on pavement.
At mile 9, I got a terrible pain in my left knee. It felt like my lower leg was unscrewing itself from my knee - like my leg could turn around backwards and was hanging by a thread. It sucked. I could tolerate the pain as it built, but then something would happen and it would get really sharp and painful - so much so that I cried out.
But I was determined to do 18 miles, no matter what. I haven't had a solid long run yet; the 16-miler was difficult cardio-wise, and it was really important to me that I break through and have a good run. And this one, honestly, felt great up until then. I could breathe easily, I felt comfortable, I felt like, frankly, I could run a marathon. So how dare my knee act up?
I walked a few steps - very quickly - and realized it didn't hurt at all while walking. It also didn't hurt much on flat or downhill ground - just uphill. So I decided to run as much as I could, and walk when I couldn't take the pain any longer.
I did this for the rest of the trail route - six miles more. Scheris stayed with me, while Nancy and Aleks ran ahead. We met up with Nancy and Aleks at the trailhead (it's a loop), and Scheris left. The three of us decided to change up the route to stay on pavement, and end at a Starbucks. :-)
On pavement, my knee hurt less - but still hurt. Finally though I realized it hurt the same no matter what speed I ran. The pain changed only with the grade. So I ran as much as I could - and honestly, I pretty much ran the rest of the remaining 3.5 miles - and finished pretty happy.
Weirdly, I feel a lot less sore than I did after the 16-miler. Pretty much I have no muscle soreness, except a tight right calf (which I had before I started the run anyway, I woke up with it yesterday). And my knee isn't too bad - it doesn't hurt at all really while walking, and it only hurts a tiny bit climbing stairs.
I'm probably going to do a short run this afternoon to see how things feel. And I kind of want to see a doctor to figure out what could be the problem and whether I can fix it. At the same time, I don't want to be told not to run...not now, when I feel like things are finally coming back together.
So, my house is mess, my laundry isn't done, I haven't gone grocery shopping...but I balanced the best I could to accomplish some goals. There's always tomorrow for chores!
Accomplishing both would be a major feat. After all, a good night in the club means drinking, staying up late, partying, dancing - and to run 18 miles means eating well, hydrating, getting lots of rest.
Hmm. They don't at first seem particularly compatible, huh?
Not even just at first: They're NOT. But I'm happy that I managed - with the help of my lovely husband - to do both.
I took Friday off of work to spend with out-of-town family and the kids. Once my out-of-town relatives took off on the cruise they had scheduled, the kids and I ran errands and got ice cream together, so we spent a pretty nice afternoon. (They were semi-fun errands: getting a microphone stand for Gabriel so he can sing and play guitar at the same time, getting Camille's school uniforms - more adorable than you'd think.)
The kids and I played and made dinner together in the late afternoon, and the babysitter arrived around 9:30. By the time we hit the club, we were ready for a good time. Tons of friends there, great music - it was a blast. Per Danielle's advice, I drank vanilla stoli and soda, but in a tall glass - so only one shot of liquor at a time and lots of soda. I think that helps to stave off some dehydration.
But you know how when you're out at night and you're having a good time, and you don't want the night to end? Well, John and I both felt that way - and he had been invited to a bachelor party in a hotel nearby. The bachelor party had been to the club earlier, so they knew I was with John - and they said it was cool for me to come, too! So I attended my first bachelor party. It was really just a bunch of guys we knew sitting around and being silly, but it was fun.
So we were out until about 4:30. I slept until around noon (John barely slept at all), and then hung with the kids until it was time to go to a birthday party. The birthday party rocked - all the kids were entertained, all the adults sat outside and chilled.
That evening, though, everyone was invited over another friend's house, and that's where I had to draw the line. I said I'd be in bed by 9:30 p.m., and actually I was in bed at 8:30 with two Tylenol PM. I fell asleep and slept until 5:45 a.m. - woke up feeling refreshed and happy. John was awesome - he really wanted to go out, so he got a babysitter even though I was home to make sure I didn't have to referee. We also had a couple extra kids over, doing a favor for another friend.
So I got up, choked down half a bagel and half a banana (so hard to get the calories in in the morning!), and Aleks met me at the house.
I planned a route that involved a two-mile climb half a mile into the run. Ha. Then the rest was all rolling hills - the next 2 on pavement, then nearly 10 on trail, then the rest back on pavement.
At mile 9, I got a terrible pain in my left knee. It felt like my lower leg was unscrewing itself from my knee - like my leg could turn around backwards and was hanging by a thread. It sucked. I could tolerate the pain as it built, but then something would happen and it would get really sharp and painful - so much so that I cried out.
But I was determined to do 18 miles, no matter what. I haven't had a solid long run yet; the 16-miler was difficult cardio-wise, and it was really important to me that I break through and have a good run. And this one, honestly, felt great up until then. I could breathe easily, I felt comfortable, I felt like, frankly, I could run a marathon. So how dare my knee act up?
I walked a few steps - very quickly - and realized it didn't hurt at all while walking. It also didn't hurt much on flat or downhill ground - just uphill. So I decided to run as much as I could, and walk when I couldn't take the pain any longer.
I did this for the rest of the trail route - six miles more. Scheris stayed with me, while Nancy and Aleks ran ahead. We met up with Nancy and Aleks at the trailhead (it's a loop), and Scheris left. The three of us decided to change up the route to stay on pavement, and end at a Starbucks. :-)
On pavement, my knee hurt less - but still hurt. Finally though I realized it hurt the same no matter what speed I ran. The pain changed only with the grade. So I ran as much as I could - and honestly, I pretty much ran the rest of the remaining 3.5 miles - and finished pretty happy.
Weirdly, I feel a lot less sore than I did after the 16-miler. Pretty much I have no muscle soreness, except a tight right calf (which I had before I started the run anyway, I woke up with it yesterday). And my knee isn't too bad - it doesn't hurt at all really while walking, and it only hurts a tiny bit climbing stairs.
I'm probably going to do a short run this afternoon to see how things feel. And I kind of want to see a doctor to figure out what could be the problem and whether I can fix it. At the same time, I don't want to be told not to run...not now, when I feel like things are finally coming back together.
So, my house is mess, my laundry isn't done, I haven't gone grocery shopping...but I balanced the best I could to accomplish some goals. There's always tomorrow for chores!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Remind me to work out when I feel bad
I've been lifting and on a much better workout schedule for the last couple of weeks, and I feel better. Already I can lift almost as much as I could before, and today in a circuit training class I noticed my balance was way better than it has been.
I knew I lost it pretty quickly; looks like it's coming back just as quickly.
Thank goodness! I also am in a better mood...then again, it's only Monday. :-)
I knew I lost it pretty quickly; looks like it's coming back just as quickly.
Thank goodness! I also am in a better mood...then again, it's only Monday. :-)
Friday, August 08, 2008
Wow, you're fat!
So last night, I'm in a bar. And this is what often happens in my scene - electronic dance music in Seattle, specifically trance and progressive. There are like way way more men than women, and I'm married and somewhat oblivious, so I don't really notice people. Or, it takes me a while to notice them. And I'm busy dancing anyway and trying not to make eye contact with anyone I'm not married to.
Guys, though, they don't have too many women to look at, so they look at them all - including me. Often because they've seen me over weeks and months at the same clubs they're going to, they decide that they know me - and maybe because the scene is small and everyone is connected by probably three degrees, let alone six, they think we've been introduced.
We haven't. I remember people once I look at them and talk to them.
This guy is talking to my friends, and turns to talk to my husband. It's quite possible John and the guy have met before, but I know I haven't met him, though he looks vaguely familiar. We've probably been to like 20 events at the same time and I didn't know.
We start talking; he tells me he works on the same campus as I do, so obviously he's seen me at the office. Hmm. Okay. Then we start talking about bar fights, and how he's never seen one in five years of going to this particular club. And John decides to tell him the story of my bar fight.
So I say, "Well, you know, this was Thursday night after I completed an Ironman on the previous Sunday. I was still all pumped up about being an Ironman and feeling strong and stuff."
He confirms what an Ironman is - "A full marathon, after how much swimming and biking?" and I tell him. He asks where, I tell him in Penticton, in the mountains. And then:
"I thought you had to look like Lance Armstrong to do an Ironman! Wow!"
Of course I smile and brush it off, saying, "Well, no, all you have to do is train properly. I didn't win, but I definitely did it."
A few minutes later, after a change of topic, he's back to: "So, you really did all of it?"
I reply, "Well, yeah, I wouldn't be talking about being an Ironman if I didn't!"
So of course I'm just thinking, wow. This guy thinks I'm totally fat, not athletic, not capable of finishing an Ironman.
I should kick his ass!
Guys, though, they don't have too many women to look at, so they look at them all - including me. Often because they've seen me over weeks and months at the same clubs they're going to, they decide that they know me - and maybe because the scene is small and everyone is connected by probably three degrees, let alone six, they think we've been introduced.
We haven't. I remember people once I look at them and talk to them.
This guy is talking to my friends, and turns to talk to my husband. It's quite possible John and the guy have met before, but I know I haven't met him, though he looks vaguely familiar. We've probably been to like 20 events at the same time and I didn't know.
We start talking; he tells me he works on the same campus as I do, so obviously he's seen me at the office. Hmm. Okay. Then we start talking about bar fights, and how he's never seen one in five years of going to this particular club. And John decides to tell him the story of my bar fight.
So I say, "Well, you know, this was Thursday night after I completed an Ironman on the previous Sunday. I was still all pumped up about being an Ironman and feeling strong and stuff."
He confirms what an Ironman is - "A full marathon, after how much swimming and biking?" and I tell him. He asks where, I tell him in Penticton, in the mountains. And then:
"I thought you had to look like Lance Armstrong to do an Ironman! Wow!"
Of course I smile and brush it off, saying, "Well, no, all you have to do is train properly. I didn't win, but I definitely did it."
A few minutes later, after a change of topic, he's back to: "So, you really did all of it?"
I reply, "Well, yeah, I wouldn't be talking about being an Ironman if I didn't!"
So of course I'm just thinking, wow. This guy thinks I'm totally fat, not athletic, not capable of finishing an Ironman.
I should kick his ass!
Saturday, August 02, 2008
16 miles? Yeah, I can do that.
That was what my schedule said for this week: 16 miles. And although I was positive I could do it, I was less sure I could do it with other people who might run faster than me.
Couple that with the fact that I knew Aleks had a particular pace range in mind and that it was important to her to run continuously - not stopping and starting - and I was nervous.
I debated bringing my Zune; I knew if I had it, I'd feel more like it was okay to run alone, but if I didn't and I ended up running alone, it would suck for me.
I brought it.
The first four miles were easy; both Aleks and Allison had their GPS thingys on, and though they each said different speeds, it felt like we were running really comfortably (and we finished the four miles in between 40 and 45 minutes, which was the goal pace). My heart rate was in the low 150s except on the uphills.
But after the four, we picked up another friend of Aleks' and the pace. He was also wearing a GPS, and all three of them showed pretty dramatically different paces. So I always go by RPE and heart rate anyway, but soon we were running a pace that put me in the high 160s on flats - which to me said we were running faster than we started out. And since I thought the pace we started out was what they wanted to go, I felt like we were going too fast.
I didn't want to say anything and look like a whiner, though! The fact is, I'm nowhere near as strong as I was last year, and I look at myself and think, "Maybe you're getting tired. Maybe you're weak. Maybe the pace hasn't really picked up and you just can't cut it."
Except realistically, it had. Aleks' friend is a much, much stronger runner - he's done a 3:02 marathon, she said, and qualified for Boston three times. At the same time, I had nothing to back up my assertion that we were running faster now except my RPE and heart rate - which are really only good for telling how *I* feel, not anyone else.
So we ran together, we sped up sometimes, we slowed down sometimes, and we got to 13.2 miles together when we hit this massive hill.
Oh wait - to this point I had no abnormal pains. Obviously my heart rate was happiest closer to 160, and at times my legs felt heavy and my muscles felt tired, but nothing bad. I did start out running on a really tight left hamstring, but after the first four slow miles it loosened up and felt normal.
So we start up the hill...and I slow down a lot. I let my heart rate climb to about 174, and then just slowly jogged up the hill. I put on my headphones without stopping and just kept moving. The hill was long - nearly a mile - and they waited at the top for me (which I felt bad about).
The rest was not bad. Once you hit 14 miles, you know you're getting the 16. Aleks and I ran slightly faster the 15th mile, then she asked if I minded if she ran it out for the last mile. Of course I didn't, so she took off. I actually sped up too, lengthening my stride. My heart rate climbed, but I felt good. I think it might be better for me to change my pace while doing long runs - spend 30 seconds each half mile or so really running it out, to change things up. It made my legs feel way better.
When I reached the end, Aleks told me I was a couple tenths of a mile away from 16. She had run a little further to get the full 16; I wasn't going to worry about it. I'm okay with approximations of distance. No race I've ever run was perfect against someone's GPS. Mentally for me, the cafe we parked at was the finish line; I crossed it feeling really good.
So, I didn't do 100% of it with the others, but I did do most of it. I didn't really feel totally prepared for this run, but to be honest, now, after showering and stuff, I feel pretty darn awesome.
Nothing hurts very much; I have a little muscle soreness (but way less than I had the past few days from circuit training) and I get stiff if I sit for too long. My left knee hurts a bit - probably from the compensation I did at the beginning of the run because of my sore right hamstring - and going up and down stairs kind of sucks. But I feel good. I always feel like the first run you do in marathon training beyond a half-marathon distance is a breakthrough run - it's going over what I feel like a totally reasonable running distance is into the "wow" territory. And I did this one way happier than I did my first 14-miler my first marathon season.
So I'm on my way back...this run proved to me I've still got some catching up to do to be back 100% with my friends, but I'm pretty close. And I certainly know what to do to get there.
Couple that with the fact that I knew Aleks had a particular pace range in mind and that it was important to her to run continuously - not stopping and starting - and I was nervous.
I debated bringing my Zune; I knew if I had it, I'd feel more like it was okay to run alone, but if I didn't and I ended up running alone, it would suck for me.
I brought it.
The first four miles were easy; both Aleks and Allison had their GPS thingys on, and though they each said different speeds, it felt like we were running really comfortably (and we finished the four miles in between 40 and 45 minutes, which was the goal pace). My heart rate was in the low 150s except on the uphills.
But after the four, we picked up another friend of Aleks' and the pace. He was also wearing a GPS, and all three of them showed pretty dramatically different paces. So I always go by RPE and heart rate anyway, but soon we were running a pace that put me in the high 160s on flats - which to me said we were running faster than we started out. And since I thought the pace we started out was what they wanted to go, I felt like we were going too fast.
I didn't want to say anything and look like a whiner, though! The fact is, I'm nowhere near as strong as I was last year, and I look at myself and think, "Maybe you're getting tired. Maybe you're weak. Maybe the pace hasn't really picked up and you just can't cut it."
Except realistically, it had. Aleks' friend is a much, much stronger runner - he's done a 3:02 marathon, she said, and qualified for Boston three times. At the same time, I had nothing to back up my assertion that we were running faster now except my RPE and heart rate - which are really only good for telling how *I* feel, not anyone else.
So we ran together, we sped up sometimes, we slowed down sometimes, and we got to 13.2 miles together when we hit this massive hill.
Oh wait - to this point I had no abnormal pains. Obviously my heart rate was happiest closer to 160, and at times my legs felt heavy and my muscles felt tired, but nothing bad. I did start out running on a really tight left hamstring, but after the first four slow miles it loosened up and felt normal.
So we start up the hill...and I slow down a lot. I let my heart rate climb to about 174, and then just slowly jogged up the hill. I put on my headphones without stopping and just kept moving. The hill was long - nearly a mile - and they waited at the top for me (which I felt bad about).
The rest was not bad. Once you hit 14 miles, you know you're getting the 16. Aleks and I ran slightly faster the 15th mile, then she asked if I minded if she ran it out for the last mile. Of course I didn't, so she took off. I actually sped up too, lengthening my stride. My heart rate climbed, but I felt good. I think it might be better for me to change my pace while doing long runs - spend 30 seconds each half mile or so really running it out, to change things up. It made my legs feel way better.
When I reached the end, Aleks told me I was a couple tenths of a mile away from 16. She had run a little further to get the full 16; I wasn't going to worry about it. I'm okay with approximations of distance. No race I've ever run was perfect against someone's GPS. Mentally for me, the cafe we parked at was the finish line; I crossed it feeling really good.
So, I didn't do 100% of it with the others, but I did do most of it. I didn't really feel totally prepared for this run, but to be honest, now, after showering and stuff, I feel pretty darn awesome.
Nothing hurts very much; I have a little muscle soreness (but way less than I had the past few days from circuit training) and I get stiff if I sit for too long. My left knee hurts a bit - probably from the compensation I did at the beginning of the run because of my sore right hamstring - and going up and down stairs kind of sucks. But I feel good. I always feel like the first run you do in marathon training beyond a half-marathon distance is a breakthrough run - it's going over what I feel like a totally reasonable running distance is into the "wow" territory. And I did this one way happier than I did my first 14-miler my first marathon season.
So I'm on my way back...this run proved to me I've still got some catching up to do to be back 100% with my friends, but I'm pretty close. And I certainly know what to do to get there.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I can barely walk
And it feels great!
I went to circuit training for the first time in forever yesterday, and my old 20/20 trainer happened to be the guy teaching. He pushed me through a tough class - obviously you get out of it what you put in, but the format was tough and then of course I did as much as I could.
Jeff came with me; he said part way through the class that he'd forgotten how much harder you work when a trainer is at the front of the room checking on you. Yeah, me too. I thought for the longest time I could do it on my own - and I know that physically I can do it, I know how to do it - but that external motivation helps, too.
This morning Sarah and I ran in Bridle Trails. Despite my sore hamstrings, the run felt good (probably really slow, but whatever). It was nice to get out of bed and feel motivated to do something.
I'm working on a few different things, with regard to my ongoing unhappiness. First, exercising close to daily is a must. Even if the restlessness and anxiety doesn't go away for the entire day, it goes away while I'm working out, and then I have a little reprieve for a bit afterwards. I'm also trying to make amends with the known problems. I really don't want to have any confrontations, but they're coming - and I know they have to.
I'm also thinking about getting away for a while. I'm asking for permission to work remotely, and I have a place to stay, oh, about, 1300 miles from here. By myself. On the one hand, it is running away, which is immature and silly; but on the other, it's time to myself to focus and try to break out of whatever is going on with me.
But we'll see. If I were to go, I'd want to leave this weekend and drive, but my hair really needs to be re-dyed and I don't have an appointment until August 9, and it looks so bad and I'm so loyal to the person who does it that I think I might have to stick around.
And this illustrates the maturity of my thought processes these days. Oh well.
I went to circuit training for the first time in forever yesterday, and my old 20/20 trainer happened to be the guy teaching. He pushed me through a tough class - obviously you get out of it what you put in, but the format was tough and then of course I did as much as I could.
Jeff came with me; he said part way through the class that he'd forgotten how much harder you work when a trainer is at the front of the room checking on you. Yeah, me too. I thought for the longest time I could do it on my own - and I know that physically I can do it, I know how to do it - but that external motivation helps, too.
This morning Sarah and I ran in Bridle Trails. Despite my sore hamstrings, the run felt good (probably really slow, but whatever). It was nice to get out of bed and feel motivated to do something.
I'm working on a few different things, with regard to my ongoing unhappiness. First, exercising close to daily is a must. Even if the restlessness and anxiety doesn't go away for the entire day, it goes away while I'm working out, and then I have a little reprieve for a bit afterwards. I'm also trying to make amends with the known problems. I really don't want to have any confrontations, but they're coming - and I know they have to.
I'm also thinking about getting away for a while. I'm asking for permission to work remotely, and I have a place to stay, oh, about, 1300 miles from here. By myself. On the one hand, it is running away, which is immature and silly; but on the other, it's time to myself to focus and try to break out of whatever is going on with me.
But we'll see. If I were to go, I'd want to leave this weekend and drive, but my hair really needs to be re-dyed and I don't have an appointment until August 9, and it looks so bad and I'm so loyal to the person who does it that I think I might have to stick around.
And this illustrates the maturity of my thought processes these days. Oh well.
Monday, July 28, 2008
When friendships end
What's the natural end to a friendship?
Obviously when one friend moves away, friendships drift apart. Or, when interests change, and schedules no longer align.
But what happens when you just decide you don't want to be friends with someone anymore? Can you even do that, if the person you don't want to be friends with is in your social circle?
And shouldn't I have learned this in high school?
I feel like right now, I have a handful of friendships that are in limbo. A gal who lives nearby, but who I never see. A set of friends in another nearby city, who have totally different social interests. Someone who has done something I can't forgive - yet I see him fairly often. Someone who hasn't forgiven me for something I did, and maybe won't.
There are people to whom I want to be closer, and people I wish to separate myself from. But it seems like this doesn't happen deliberately. When that guy lied to me and I caught him, I decided then and there I was no longer going to be his friend. Saturday afternoon, I texted him and said I was going to hug him and be over it for real this time when I saw him Saturday night. I did, and to be honest, I am. I was positive once, just two weeks ago, that our friendship was over; it's not. And I'm positive now that my "in limbo" friendships are still alive - but maybe they're not. Who really knows?
Facebook too makes the notion of friendship kind of weird. I'm in "Facebook touch" with a number of people I would have lost touch with long ago, had it not been for a saved email address. I like it, actually; when I get silly status updates from those friends I wouldn't have otherwise kept in touch with, I feel like I'm still connected to them, and them to me. But aren't they really strangers at this point? Isn't it just a bit of voyeurism that keeps us linked to one another?
Who knows. I just wish I knew where I stood with every single person. I wish all the unresolved conflicts were fixed and I was over it, instead of being here knowing something or somethings are going to happen, and I'm going to feel something. That's what's so unsettling right now - the idea that emotions are coming, and I'm going to have to deal with them. I'd rather just turn them off.
Obviously when one friend moves away, friendships drift apart. Or, when interests change, and schedules no longer align.
But what happens when you just decide you don't want to be friends with someone anymore? Can you even do that, if the person you don't want to be friends with is in your social circle?
And shouldn't I have learned this in high school?
I feel like right now, I have a handful of friendships that are in limbo. A gal who lives nearby, but who I never see. A set of friends in another nearby city, who have totally different social interests. Someone who has done something I can't forgive - yet I see him fairly often. Someone who hasn't forgiven me for something I did, and maybe won't.
There are people to whom I want to be closer, and people I wish to separate myself from. But it seems like this doesn't happen deliberately. When that guy lied to me and I caught him, I decided then and there I was no longer going to be his friend. Saturday afternoon, I texted him and said I was going to hug him and be over it for real this time when I saw him Saturday night. I did, and to be honest, I am. I was positive once, just two weeks ago, that our friendship was over; it's not. And I'm positive now that my "in limbo" friendships are still alive - but maybe they're not. Who really knows?
Facebook too makes the notion of friendship kind of weird. I'm in "Facebook touch" with a number of people I would have lost touch with long ago, had it not been for a saved email address. I like it, actually; when I get silly status updates from those friends I wouldn't have otherwise kept in touch with, I feel like I'm still connected to them, and them to me. But aren't they really strangers at this point? Isn't it just a bit of voyeurism that keeps us linked to one another?
Who knows. I just wish I knew where I stood with every single person. I wish all the unresolved conflicts were fixed and I was over it, instead of being here knowing something or somethings are going to happen, and I'm going to feel something. That's what's so unsettling right now - the idea that emotions are coming, and I'm going to have to deal with them. I'd rather just turn them off.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Hike-running, or run-hiking?
This morning I went out with a couple of gals to run Rattlesnake Ledge. It was advertised something like this:
"This will be a beautiful and relaxing run. Trail starts out in some light woods and then opens up onto an exposed, steeper section where you can see some small wildlife. You’re immediately back into the woods for a cushy ride on a soft, pine-covered trail that meanders up and down through the woods for a few miles. It smells great and you can’t hear the freeway. It’s lovely."
Uh, yeah. So it actually goes like this:
The trail starts out uphill in the woods. It's pretty, but it's uphill. Then it opens up onto an exposed, steeper section where the view is amazing, if you can lift your head to look at it. But if you do, you'll see that there's a lot more uphill to go. You're soon back into the woods, where you continue to gain elevation for, oh, about the rest of the time on the "out" part of this run. The trail will be lovely, and you won't be able to hear the traffic on I-90 anyway because you'll be breathing so heavily. You won't really go "down" per se, unless it's opposite day and down means up. There might be one tiny downhill section...followed by yet another steep uphill.
Yeah, that's more like it.
So I ran for the first 20 minutes; the next 10 was mostly running with a few walking steps; then the next 42 was primarily speed-walking with some running when my heart rate dipped below 170. You read that right...170. At the end of the uphill portion, I stopped my HR monitor and the AVERAGE was 170. Let me reiterate: for an hour and 12 minutes. So it was pretty intense.
Oh, and the other girls beat me up the hill - by a lot. Very humbling - but in a good way. I'm out of shape and I can't pretend I'm not. The proof is in the walking.
On the way down, I led the way, until a cramp got the best of me. I walked for a few minutes and it seemed to go away, but when I picked up running again, it came right back. I slowed down, lost the girls, and pushed through the pain.
Downhill was kind of hard, but not cardiovascularly. It definitely hurt my knees, but I loved how I needed to work to maintain my balance. I don't think I could have walked down anyway; it seemed too steep.
So in all, it was 9 miles in two hours. I originally had 10 miles on my schedule, then changed it to 13. But given the intensity of the run, the work of all my muscles to stabilize myself (both up and down), and the amount of time spent running, I'm satisfied that I did the solid workout I needed to get in today.
And best of all, I woke up easily, pre-alarm, with no desire to hide under the covers. First day this week I've felt that way!
"This will be a beautiful and relaxing run. Trail starts out in some light woods and then opens up onto an exposed, steeper section where you can see some small wildlife. You’re immediately back into the woods for a cushy ride on a soft, pine-covered trail that meanders up and down through the woods for a few miles. It smells great and you can’t hear the freeway. It’s lovely."
Uh, yeah. So it actually goes like this:
The trail starts out uphill in the woods. It's pretty, but it's uphill. Then it opens up onto an exposed, steeper section where the view is amazing, if you can lift your head to look at it. But if you do, you'll see that there's a lot more uphill to go. You're soon back into the woods, where you continue to gain elevation for, oh, about the rest of the time on the "out" part of this run. The trail will be lovely, and you won't be able to hear the traffic on I-90 anyway because you'll be breathing so heavily. You won't really go "down" per se, unless it's opposite day and down means up. There might be one tiny downhill section...followed by yet another steep uphill.
Yeah, that's more like it.
So I ran for the first 20 minutes; the next 10 was mostly running with a few walking steps; then the next 42 was primarily speed-walking with some running when my heart rate dipped below 170. You read that right...170. At the end of the uphill portion, I stopped my HR monitor and the AVERAGE was 170. Let me reiterate: for an hour and 12 minutes. So it was pretty intense.
Oh, and the other girls beat me up the hill - by a lot. Very humbling - but in a good way. I'm out of shape and I can't pretend I'm not. The proof is in the walking.
On the way down, I led the way, until a cramp got the best of me. I walked for a few minutes and it seemed to go away, but when I picked up running again, it came right back. I slowed down, lost the girls, and pushed through the pain.
Downhill was kind of hard, but not cardiovascularly. It definitely hurt my knees, but I loved how I needed to work to maintain my balance. I don't think I could have walked down anyway; it seemed too steep.
So in all, it was 9 miles in two hours. I originally had 10 miles on my schedule, then changed it to 13. But given the intensity of the run, the work of all my muscles to stabilize myself (both up and down), and the amount of time spent running, I'm satisfied that I did the solid workout I needed to get in today.
And best of all, I woke up easily, pre-alarm, with no desire to hide under the covers. First day this week I've felt that way!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Unhappiness
So this week has been impossible, and I really don't know why.
I was okay earlier in the week, but my inability to get out of bed has escalated toward the end of the week. This morning, I was positive I wouldn't get out of bed at all; yesterday, I got out of bed late and took a couple of naps during the day when I couldn't bear to have my eyes open any longer.
And I'm not actually tired. I'm...I hate to use the "d" word.
What really sucks is that when John is depressed, there's always a reason or a set of reasons, and we can talk, and make a plan to fix the issues he faces.
When I am down, there's never an obvious reason. If there were, I would fix it. I'd just figure out what to do, and start right away. I make plans. I do stuff.
No fair that I have no idea what to do this time.
I guess its good that all I do is sleep when I'm low. I could be abusing susbtances, I suppose, and even though I have easy access to alcohol in the house, I don't bother. And no, not because of the calories. I just don't have that kind of personality...which is odd, considering many people in my family do.
I just feel like giving up, starting over...I want to move to Portland. With John and the kids. A new city, new job, new friends...I know it's ridiculous, but doesn't it sound great, too?
I was okay earlier in the week, but my inability to get out of bed has escalated toward the end of the week. This morning, I was positive I wouldn't get out of bed at all; yesterday, I got out of bed late and took a couple of naps during the day when I couldn't bear to have my eyes open any longer.
And I'm not actually tired. I'm...I hate to use the "d" word.
What really sucks is that when John is depressed, there's always a reason or a set of reasons, and we can talk, and make a plan to fix the issues he faces.
When I am down, there's never an obvious reason. If there were, I would fix it. I'd just figure out what to do, and start right away. I make plans. I do stuff.
No fair that I have no idea what to do this time.
I guess its good that all I do is sleep when I'm low. I could be abusing susbtances, I suppose, and even though I have easy access to alcohol in the house, I don't bother. And no, not because of the calories. I just don't have that kind of personality...which is odd, considering many people in my family do.
I just feel like giving up, starting over...I want to move to Portland. With John and the kids. A new city, new job, new friends...I know it's ridiculous, but doesn't it sound great, too?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Forgiving
A couple of weeks ago, I casually - and with no motive other than making conversation - asked a friend what he was doing that night.
"Nothing," he replied. "We're really tired, we're just going to stay in and chill."
I believed him...sort of. Something in the way he said it made me feel a little bit like I'd been lied to.
Well, a few hours later, as we stopped by his house to pick something up (that he had asked us to get that moment!), we discover a car belonging to some other friends and those friends hiding in the closet.
My friend was caught in a bald-faced lie.
I actually felt good for a moment. That uncomfortable feeling I'd had had blossomed into a full-on suspicion that I'd been lied to...and knowing I had made it easy for me to change my myspace status to "Jessica says when your friends start lying to you, that's when they're no longer your friends."
On Monday, he instant messaged me. At first I was going to ignore him, but then he said, "If you're there but ignoring me because you're pissed, I understand, but at least give me the opportunity to explain to you what went down and why it went that way before you shut me out. If you still feel the same way, I'll completely understand, but at least hear me out please."
I replied, "Okay. I am here."
He proceeded to explain why he kept the information from me, and what he should have done instead, and how he's sorry I was hurt and offended.
I didn't say I forgave him; all I said was, "Okay. Thank you for the explanation."
Two days later, driving home from work, some feeling came over me and I decided to text him and say this: "I am over it. I don't even want to explain why it was important. Done, finished, moving on."
What I felt done with was my anger; what I wanted to do was avoid this person and not be his friend any longer. Sort of. I wish I could really want that; the fact is, I want this situation not to have happened. I really care about this friend; I don't want to let him go.
The following Saturday night, he was out at the club we went to, and he smiled at me and waved and tried to be friendly...and I immediately wanted to run away and not talk to him. But he wanted to talk - he reiterated out loud everything he had said over Instant Messenger. I was like, you already said all that. And he said, well, I just wanted to say it out loud. I let him say what he had to say, and then walked away.
So, okay. I'm gone for a week, and when I come back, we decide to go out on a Wednesday to see a DJ friend play in a bar. I know this guy is going to be there, and until we arrive and I see his car parked outside, I feel okay about it.
But then when we get in, I just feel so awful again...so unimportant or irrelevant I can be just lied to directly, to my face.
I want to forgive him and move on. I've often - but not always - felt like out of all the people in our group, this guy and I have a lot in common and sometimes we have a special bond. Maybe I'm wrong and that's only there for me.
Regardless, just being reminded of the lie hurts! I can see it in my own frame of mind - I had two drinks at the bar, then a glass of wine at a restaurant with John later on - and instead of getting happy and fun, I got depressed and felt horrible.
When we got home, I texted the guy. "I don't know why it's so hard to feel like I forgive you. I guess it really hurts to be lied to, regardless of motive."
He responds: "I understand - all I can do is apologize, admit to my mistake, and refrain from making the same mistake again :-( ."
So he's done the right things. He knows he's wrong, he knows he hurt me, and he feels bad and will try not to do it again.
How do I get over my hurt and forgive him now? For real, no looking back?
The funny thing is, I'm in the opposite situation with another friend, where I did something wrong, apologized, and am not being forgiven. I'll write about that later.
"Nothing," he replied. "We're really tired, we're just going to stay in and chill."
I believed him...sort of. Something in the way he said it made me feel a little bit like I'd been lied to.
Well, a few hours later, as we stopped by his house to pick something up (that he had asked us to get that moment!), we discover a car belonging to some other friends and those friends hiding in the closet.
My friend was caught in a bald-faced lie.
I actually felt good for a moment. That uncomfortable feeling I'd had had blossomed into a full-on suspicion that I'd been lied to...and knowing I had made it easy for me to change my myspace status to "Jessica says when your friends start lying to you, that's when they're no longer your friends."
On Monday, he instant messaged me. At first I was going to ignore him, but then he said, "If you're there but ignoring me because you're pissed, I understand, but at least give me the opportunity to explain to you what went down and why it went that way before you shut me out. If you still feel the same way, I'll completely understand, but at least hear me out please."
I replied, "Okay. I am here."
He proceeded to explain why he kept the information from me, and what he should have done instead, and how he's sorry I was hurt and offended.
I didn't say I forgave him; all I said was, "Okay. Thank you for the explanation."
Two days later, driving home from work, some feeling came over me and I decided to text him and say this: "I am over it. I don't even want to explain why it was important. Done, finished, moving on."
What I felt done with was my anger; what I wanted to do was avoid this person and not be his friend any longer. Sort of. I wish I could really want that; the fact is, I want this situation not to have happened. I really care about this friend; I don't want to let him go.
The following Saturday night, he was out at the club we went to, and he smiled at me and waved and tried to be friendly...and I immediately wanted to run away and not talk to him. But he wanted to talk - he reiterated out loud everything he had said over Instant Messenger. I was like, you already said all that. And he said, well, I just wanted to say it out loud. I let him say what he had to say, and then walked away.
So, okay. I'm gone for a week, and when I come back, we decide to go out on a Wednesday to see a DJ friend play in a bar. I know this guy is going to be there, and until we arrive and I see his car parked outside, I feel okay about it.
But then when we get in, I just feel so awful again...so unimportant or irrelevant I can be just lied to directly, to my face.
I want to forgive him and move on. I've often - but not always - felt like out of all the people in our group, this guy and I have a lot in common and sometimes we have a special bond. Maybe I'm wrong and that's only there for me.
Regardless, just being reminded of the lie hurts! I can see it in my own frame of mind - I had two drinks at the bar, then a glass of wine at a restaurant with John later on - and instead of getting happy and fun, I got depressed and felt horrible.
When we got home, I texted the guy. "I don't know why it's so hard to feel like I forgive you. I guess it really hurts to be lied to, regardless of motive."
He responds: "I understand - all I can do is apologize, admit to my mistake, and refrain from making the same mistake again :-( ."
So he's done the right things. He knows he's wrong, he knows he hurt me, and he feels bad and will try not to do it again.
How do I get over my hurt and forgive him now? For real, no looking back?
The funny thing is, I'm in the opposite situation with another friend, where I did something wrong, apologized, and am not being forgiven. I'll write about that later.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Talking to my eight-year-old on instant messenger
It's a really weird experience.
I mean, does he even know how to read? Does he read sarcasm and tone and whatever the way adults do?
Here's an excerpt from our conversation (note that he's logged in to John's account):
Jessica says:
okay. will you get camille or should I/
John says:
its up to you its G now daddy left
Jessica says:
you are closer, so you can get her. What do you want for dinner?
John says:
yes
Jessica says:
"yes" is not an answer to the question "what do you want for dinner"
Jessica says:
You want to eat "yes"?
John says:
NO we can pick cz up
Jessica says:
I know. I also asked what you would like to eat.
John says:
I want to make QD
Jessica says:
QD?
John says:
tortilla.....cheese
Jessica says:
quesadilla
John says:
yes ........ I do not how to spell that
Jessica says:
That's how. Is this still Gabriel?
John says:
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jessica says:
No need to yell, dude. Did you know that using capital letters on the Internet is yelling?
John says:
ok
Okay, I'm a bad bad mother. Oh well!
I mean, does he even know how to read? Does he read sarcasm and tone and whatever the way adults do?
Here's an excerpt from our conversation (note that he's logged in to John's account):
Jessica says:
okay. will you get camille or should I/
John says:
its up to you its G now daddy left
Jessica says:
you are closer, so you can get her. What do you want for dinner?
John says:
yes
Jessica says:
"yes" is not an answer to the question "what do you want for dinner"
Jessica says:
You want to eat "yes"?
John says:
NO we can pick cz up
Jessica says:
I know. I also asked what you would like to eat.
John says:
I want to make QD
Jessica says:
QD?
John says:
tortilla.....cheese
Jessica says:
quesadilla
John says:
yes ........ I do not how to spell that
Jessica says:
That's how. Is this still Gabriel?
John says:
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jessica says:
No need to yell, dude. Did you know that using capital letters on the Internet is yelling?
John says:
ok
Okay, I'm a bad bad mother. Oh well!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Belonging
Today we had 13 miles on the schedule, and decided to do one of my favorite runs: Bellevue to Seattle and back. It feels like an accomplishment - to run to Seattle from the east side - and to be honest, 13 miles is an accomplishment anyway.
I went to bed fairly early; I was exhausted last night. There were a couple of things going on, and we even had childcare if we wanted it, but nothing was exciting enough to get me out. Anyway, we went out Thursday and had a blast, so I think I'm done with Fridays. Thursday there were no slimy guys out, only people who love music, and lots of friends. Friday brings the frat boy crowd, and I don't need my ass grabbed in a club by a stranger, thank you very much. But back to the point: I stayed home and got decent sleep, waking up naturally before my alarm (around 6:15).
I haven't quite figured out what I should eat for breakfast while I'm trying to lose weight and marathon train (yeah I know they're not very compatible)...so I took the poor option of a butter croissant from Starbucks along with my coffee. 39 grams of carbs, though, and 290 calories - I probably should have more protein, but I could do worse, I guess.
The run is quite hilly - honestly, hillier than I remember. I thought it was just short ups and downs...but some of those ups felt not-so-short. And when we started it was 62 degrees; I know that's nothing for most of the country, but in Seattle at 8 a.m., that's a sure sign the day will be what we consider warm (maybe up to 80! Oh my goodness! How easily the girl from Massachusetts forgets what summers are really like!)
I felt pretty good for most of the run - unlike last week's 11 miler. I fell behind Aleks and Nancy on some of the hills (which was only annoying because Nancy had said early on "I don't think I have 13 miles in me today!" and I was like, yeah, whatever).
At one point, Aleks told me I'm a stronger runner than she is. I laughed and said for sure not right now - and she basically told me that she knows I'm just coming back and two weeks from now I'll be 30 seconds per mile faster. I love the confidence my friends have in me - it's so different from how I feel myself.
I know I haven't been running as much or lifting weights or cross-training. And my body shows it: While I'm only a few pounds heavier, I'm positive that my body fat is up and lean mass down. My knees hurt when I run - which they always do when I'm over 140 lbs - and I feel jiggles. The shoulders and arms I used to be proud of are now embarrassments. (And still I have no desire to lift...which we talked about, too. I think Aleks and I are going to try to do it together in August.)
But the thought that creeps into my head when I fall behind isn't "I did an Ironman last year, I can totally come back from this" - instead, it's "Here's proof you don't belong with these women, Jessica!"
It's silly. Intellectually I know it's wrong. But emotionally, it's how I feel.
So today, finishing the 13 miles alone (Aleks and Nancy ahead, another girl behind), I had to force myself to pick up my head and run tall. And then I picked up my stride and stretched out my legs on the way to the car.
And when I stopped running to do my cool-down walk and the runner's high hit, for a moment I could almost believe I was wrong, I really do belong there.
Almost.
I went to bed fairly early; I was exhausted last night. There were a couple of things going on, and we even had childcare if we wanted it, but nothing was exciting enough to get me out. Anyway, we went out Thursday and had a blast, so I think I'm done with Fridays. Thursday there were no slimy guys out, only people who love music, and lots of friends. Friday brings the frat boy crowd, and I don't need my ass grabbed in a club by a stranger, thank you very much. But back to the point: I stayed home and got decent sleep, waking up naturally before my alarm (around 6:15).
I haven't quite figured out what I should eat for breakfast while I'm trying to lose weight and marathon train (yeah I know they're not very compatible)...so I took the poor option of a butter croissant from Starbucks along with my coffee. 39 grams of carbs, though, and 290 calories - I probably should have more protein, but I could do worse, I guess.
The run is quite hilly - honestly, hillier than I remember. I thought it was just short ups and downs...but some of those ups felt not-so-short. And when we started it was 62 degrees; I know that's nothing for most of the country, but in Seattle at 8 a.m., that's a sure sign the day will be what we consider warm (maybe up to 80! Oh my goodness! How easily the girl from Massachusetts forgets what summers are really like!)
I felt pretty good for most of the run - unlike last week's 11 miler. I fell behind Aleks and Nancy on some of the hills (which was only annoying because Nancy had said early on "I don't think I have 13 miles in me today!" and I was like, yeah, whatever).
At one point, Aleks told me I'm a stronger runner than she is. I laughed and said for sure not right now - and she basically told me that she knows I'm just coming back and two weeks from now I'll be 30 seconds per mile faster. I love the confidence my friends have in me - it's so different from how I feel myself.
I know I haven't been running as much or lifting weights or cross-training. And my body shows it: While I'm only a few pounds heavier, I'm positive that my body fat is up and lean mass down. My knees hurt when I run - which they always do when I'm over 140 lbs - and I feel jiggles. The shoulders and arms I used to be proud of are now embarrassments. (And still I have no desire to lift...which we talked about, too. I think Aleks and I are going to try to do it together in August.)
But the thought that creeps into my head when I fall behind isn't "I did an Ironman last year, I can totally come back from this" - instead, it's "Here's proof you don't belong with these women, Jessica!"
It's silly. Intellectually I know it's wrong. But emotionally, it's how I feel.
So today, finishing the 13 miles alone (Aleks and Nancy ahead, another girl behind), I had to force myself to pick up my head and run tall. And then I picked up my stride and stretched out my legs on the way to the car.
And when I stopped running to do my cool-down walk and the runner's high hit, for a moment I could almost believe I was wrong, I really do belong there.
Almost.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Wednesday speed work!
Aleks set out a workout for us today; it looked like this:
1 mile (slow) warm up (5 laps)
1 lap @ 6:45 pace
1 lap recovery
6 laps @ 7:45 pace w/ 1 lap recovery after each
1 mile recovery
The track is 1/5 of a mile, not the standard 1/4 (it's around a soccer field), so this amounts to just under 5 miles.
I was nervous, but not couldn't-sleep nervous like I often am before a long run. I worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up; after all, I haven't even tried to run fast in almost a year.
But I woke up without knee or foot pain, so I just went. How bad could it be?
Well, turns out, I'm not sure what my actual pace was for any lap, as I couldn't quite hang with Aleks and Allison but I was ahead of Nancy (who also had a Garmin). For the first five fast laps, I was about 5 to 7 seconds behind; which translates to 25 to 35 seconds per mile behind, but I think they actually went faster than the advertised pace.
So I was slower, they were faster, and I finished five out of seven pretty well. The last two fast laps were HARD and I slowed down a lot - but got them done.
For a first speed work workout, that's fine by me.
Aleks and I made our plan for the Portland Marathon, too. It basically looks like this:
Monday: Recovery runs of 4 or 5 miles
Wednesday: Speed work (5 miles including recovery laps)
Friday: Marathon pace runs of 6 to 9 miles
Saturday or Sunday: Long runs at endurance pace; we'll have a 19, 20, and a 22 miler before the big day.
I'm actually excited to have a plan again and a training log. It feels right.
1 mile (slow) warm up (5 laps)
1 lap @ 6:45 pace
1 lap recovery
6 laps @ 7:45 pace w/ 1 lap recovery after each
1 mile recovery
The track is 1/5 of a mile, not the standard 1/4 (it's around a soccer field), so this amounts to just under 5 miles.
I was nervous, but not couldn't-sleep nervous like I often am before a long run. I worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up; after all, I haven't even tried to run fast in almost a year.
But I woke up without knee or foot pain, so I just went. How bad could it be?
Well, turns out, I'm not sure what my actual pace was for any lap, as I couldn't quite hang with Aleks and Allison but I was ahead of Nancy (who also had a Garmin). For the first five fast laps, I was about 5 to 7 seconds behind; which translates to 25 to 35 seconds per mile behind, but I think they actually went faster than the advertised pace.
So I was slower, they were faster, and I finished five out of seven pretty well. The last two fast laps were HARD and I slowed down a lot - but got them done.
For a first speed work workout, that's fine by me.
Aleks and I made our plan for the Portland Marathon, too. It basically looks like this:
Monday: Recovery runs of 4 or 5 miles
Wednesday: Speed work (5 miles including recovery laps)
Friday: Marathon pace runs of 6 to 9 miles
Saturday or Sunday: Long runs at endurance pace; we'll have a 19, 20, and a 22 miler before the big day.
I'm actually excited to have a plan again and a training log. It feels right.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
I sleep with Darth Vader and I love it
For as long as I can remember (since I met my husband), I've always had much more energy than him.
In the past few years, though - after I lost weight and became athletic - it has been a serious issue between us. I might go so far as to say an issue that made me question our marriage.
This year has gotten especially bad, too. It's not just that we go out more than we used to; it's that John uses Red Bull or other stuff like that to stay awake, and then he stays awake for way too long (even if I go to sleep) and then pays for it the following week. Stimulants - caffeine, energy drinks, etc - really affect him.
He needs them to be able to go out and have fun, but then he crashes hard. He'll fall asleep standing up, while driving, or whatever. He goes to bed at night and wakes up just as tired (maybe more so) in the morning.
Now, I've never had a problem falling or staying asleep. In fact, part of the reason I didn't realize for so long how serious John's sleep deprivation was is that I hit the pillow and fall asleep right away.
Recently, though, John started falling asleep before me. And I learned something: if he falls asleep first, I never get to sleep - because he snores and stops breathing.
I started to suspect he has sleep apnea, and that's why he is so tired all the time and never wants to do anything.
I forced him to go to the doctor, and two sleep studies later, we've learned that he does indeed have sleep apnea - it's even classified as severe. He wakes up 33 times an hour to breathe during lighter sleep and 66 times an hour during deep sleep. So obviously the poor guy never actually gets deep sleep.
This angel of a sleep doctor pulled strings to get him a CPAP machine prior to the Fourth of July holiday. And lo and behold - I have a new husband!
He's awake, alert, and feels great! He had no idea how bad it was until he finally felt well-rested. He wears this mask over his mouth and nose and it's connected to tubes and whatever - he says it looks more uncomfortable than it actually feels.
It's very quiet, too - all I hear is the sound of regular, light breathing. It's actually quite peaceful. (The Darth Vader thing is an exaggeration...but it's funny, so I keep saying it.)
There's no cure for sleep apnea; he'll be on the machine until something else is invented, I guess, or a cure is found. John's sleep apnea isn't about weight, unfortunately; it's the structure of his mouth, tongue and throat. When his muscles relax, his tongue basically blocks his airway. Surgery is possible, but they say only 50% effective...and very serious and painful. So it doesn't seem worth it if the machine works.
And so far, so good! Sweet, huh!
In the past few years, though - after I lost weight and became athletic - it has been a serious issue between us. I might go so far as to say an issue that made me question our marriage.
This year has gotten especially bad, too. It's not just that we go out more than we used to; it's that John uses Red Bull or other stuff like that to stay awake, and then he stays awake for way too long (even if I go to sleep) and then pays for it the following week. Stimulants - caffeine, energy drinks, etc - really affect him.
He needs them to be able to go out and have fun, but then he crashes hard. He'll fall asleep standing up, while driving, or whatever. He goes to bed at night and wakes up just as tired (maybe more so) in the morning.
Now, I've never had a problem falling or staying asleep. In fact, part of the reason I didn't realize for so long how serious John's sleep deprivation was is that I hit the pillow and fall asleep right away.
Recently, though, John started falling asleep before me. And I learned something: if he falls asleep first, I never get to sleep - because he snores and stops breathing.
I started to suspect he has sleep apnea, and that's why he is so tired all the time and never wants to do anything.
I forced him to go to the doctor, and two sleep studies later, we've learned that he does indeed have sleep apnea - it's even classified as severe. He wakes up 33 times an hour to breathe during lighter sleep and 66 times an hour during deep sleep. So obviously the poor guy never actually gets deep sleep.
This angel of a sleep doctor pulled strings to get him a CPAP machine prior to the Fourth of July holiday. And lo and behold - I have a new husband!
He's awake, alert, and feels great! He had no idea how bad it was until he finally felt well-rested. He wears this mask over his mouth and nose and it's connected to tubes and whatever - he says it looks more uncomfortable than it actually feels.
It's very quiet, too - all I hear is the sound of regular, light breathing. It's actually quite peaceful. (The Darth Vader thing is an exaggeration...but it's funny, so I keep saying it.)
There's no cure for sleep apnea; he'll be on the machine until something else is invented, I guess, or a cure is found. John's sleep apnea isn't about weight, unfortunately; it's the structure of his mouth, tongue and throat. When his muscles relax, his tongue basically blocks his airway. Surgery is possible, but they say only 50% effective...and very serious and painful. So it doesn't seem worth it if the machine works.
And so far, so good! Sweet, huh!
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