Marathon eve

The last three weeks, as I've allegedly taped for this race, have been crazy busy at work and in my personal life, with school starting and routines changing and all that.

I'm reflecting, though, on this training period and whether I accomplished what I set out to do - regardless of the race's outcome tomorrow.

I wanted to put back some discipline and balance in my life. I think instead I learned just how far I could push things without going over the edge.

Sure, I had some successful long runs; but I weigh more now than I have since I became athletic, and I certainly did not regain all of my "speed" (I was never fast, but I'm less so now) during this training. In fact, I think I slacked off about as much as I completed what I planned to do.

So I know the taper period is supposed to make you feel restless - wanting to go, go, go right now! Not wait until race day! - and at the same time rested. I feel rested, sure...but not excited.

In other seasons, I arrived here feeling nervous and ready: today, I honestly feel a little embarrassed. I didn't train like I should. Yeah, I'm going to go out and jog a marathon. I'm trying to tell myself it's enough to dress up and wear a silly hat and go play in the streets of Portland and run a five-hour marathon, but it's not. No matter what, I'm not going to feel good about tomorrow.

So I'm going to go out there and put on a smile and try to have fun. I might even have fun for a while. But in the end, I know I'd feel better about a performance so strong I don't have the energy left to smile than one where I'm skipping and running into the crowds and goofing around. I know that I'm going to wish my name weren't right there in the results with some really long time next to it, and know that I could have done better, but chose not to.

I am trying to remind myself of the girl who never thought she could run a 5K, let alone a marathon. She's going to complete another marathon tomorrow, and that's cool and inspirational no matter what the time.

I guess I'm just so competitive with myself - and to know that I got here without doing the most I could to prepare bothers me. Even though I wasn't fast on Ironman Canada, I did every hour I planned to for my training. I'm sure for this marathon I've done a third of what I said I would do.

Anyway, I'm writing this all out to expunge it from my head, and it's leaving me as I type. Tomorrow is going to be fun, and I am going to be proud of being able to have that fun. So there, little voice in the back of my head that tells me constantly how not good enough I am!