Forgiving

A couple of weeks ago, I casually - and with no motive other than making conversation - asked a friend what he was doing that night.

"Nothing," he replied. "We're really tired, we're just going to stay in and chill."

I believed him...sort of. Something in the way he said it made me feel a little bit like I'd been lied to.

Well, a few hours later, as we stopped by his house to pick something up (that he had asked us to get that moment!), we discover a car belonging to some other friends and those friends hiding in the closet.

My friend was caught in a bald-faced lie.

I actually felt good for a moment. That uncomfortable feeling I'd had had blossomed into a full-on suspicion that I'd been lied to...and knowing I had made it easy for me to change my myspace status to "Jessica says when your friends start lying to you, that's when they're no longer your friends."

On Monday, he instant messaged me. At first I was going to ignore him, but then he said, "If you're there but ignoring me because you're pissed, I understand, but at least give me the opportunity to explain to you what went down and why it went that way before you shut me out. If you still feel the same way, I'll completely understand, but at least hear me out please."

I replied, "Okay. I am here."

He proceeded to explain why he kept the information from me, and what he should have done instead, and how he's sorry I was hurt and offended.

I didn't say I forgave him; all I said was, "Okay. Thank you for the explanation."

Two days later, driving home from work, some feeling came over me and I decided to text him and say this: "I am over it. I don't even want to explain why it was important. Done, finished, moving on."

What I felt done with was my anger; what I wanted to do was avoid this person and not be his friend any longer. Sort of. I wish I could really want that; the fact is, I want this situation not to have happened. I really care about this friend; I don't want to let him go.

The following Saturday night, he was out at the club we went to, and he smiled at me and waved and tried to be friendly...and I immediately wanted to run away and not talk to him. But he wanted to talk - he reiterated out loud everything he had said over Instant Messenger. I was like, you already said all that. And he said, well, I just wanted to say it out loud. I let him say what he had to say, and then walked away.

So, okay. I'm gone for a week, and when I come back, we decide to go out on a Wednesday to see a DJ friend play in a bar. I know this guy is going to be there, and until we arrive and I see his car parked outside, I feel okay about it.

But then when we get in, I just feel so awful again...so unimportant or irrelevant I can be just lied to directly, to my face.

I want to forgive him and move on. I've often - but not always - felt like out of all the people in our group, this guy and I have a lot in common and sometimes we have a special bond. Maybe I'm wrong and that's only there for me.

Regardless, just being reminded of the lie hurts! I can see it in my own frame of mind - I had two drinks at the bar, then a glass of wine at a restaurant with John later on - and instead of getting happy and fun, I got depressed and felt horrible.

When we got home, I texted the guy. "I don't know why it's so hard to feel like I forgive you. I guess it really hurts to be lied to, regardless of motive."

He responds: "I understand - all I can do is apologize, admit to my mistake, and refrain from making the same mistake again :-( ."

So he's done the right things. He knows he's wrong, he knows he hurt me, and he feels bad and will try not to do it again.

How do I get over my hurt and forgive him now? For real, no looking back?

The funny thing is, I'm in the opposite situation with another friend, where I did something wrong, apologized, and am not being forgiven. I'll write about that later.