An open letter to Starbucks

Dear Starbucks,

This is not yet another letter to tell you your coffee tastes burned. No, I love your espresso and many of your drip coffees. And I love even more that I can go into a Starbucks in Berlin, Germany, Worcester, Massachusetts, or Seattle and my drinks taste the same. You are the McDonalds of coffee, and I think that's a great thing.

And I'm not going to complain about the 10 cars in the drive-through this morning or the line all the way out the door inside your lovely store. Nor will I bring up the fact that Valentine's Day is more than a month away, yet you are selling heart-shaped cookies already. (Though I must wonder what's in those cookies if they would remain good to eat for six weeks.) Oh wait, I did bring it up. But no complaining, just wondering.

So what is this letter all about? Your food.

Yes, January is a time of New Year's resolutions. And to help us keep these New Year's resolutions with things like old-fashioned chocolate glazed doughnuts (480 calories, 25 grams of fat) and cranberry white chocolate cookies (480 calories also, but only 20 grams of fat!), you've introduced some new products on your shelves.

Oh, and a new slogan: "Options to fit your lifestyle."

Hmm. Whose lifestyle does a Blueberry Scone (480 calories, 22 grams of fat) and a new Cinnamon Dolce Frappuccino Blended Coffee (420 calories, 16 grams of fat) fit? Kate Moss?

These new options include a Cherry Almond Multigrain Scone. In the interest of knowing what I'm talking about before writing, I passed up my eating plan this very morning to test out this baked good.

Actually, we should call it a baked bad. Scones are typically made with a ton of butter and cream. And I love scones. I love Starbucks scones, like the delicious orange-cranberry one with 500 calories and 21 grams of fat. I also love cherries, and almonds are just fine in my book.

But this scone...it likely had all the butter and cream, but mixed in was...well, whole grains, like the name implies. And I will make a declarative and completely correct statement right here, right now: Whole grains do not belong in scones.

Starbucks, when I go into your store, I want a scone to be a treat! This scone has almost as many calories (440) and as much fat (19 grams) as any delicious scone, but has these crunchy chewy little things in them that, frankly destroy it.

Also, a word to the unwise: whole grain doesn't mean healthy. Starbucks, quit trying to fool people! You can't add a little extra wheat or substitute whole grain flour for white and call it health food!

Likewise, your new Reduced-Fat Cinnamon Chip Mini Loaf Containing Whole Grains (whose title alone exceeds the legal limit on treat names) has potential to be good...but is ruined by whole grains.

Keep whole grains out of my sweets! I'll eat whole-grain bread on your overpriced sandwiches. But do not make me pay $1.95 for something that really isn't much healthier than your full-on processed white flour options and is, in my professional opinion as an expert-level Starbucks customer, yucky.

Starbucks, I know you can produce somewhat-better-for-you baked goods. Your Reduced-Fat Cinnamon Swirl Coffee Cake (330 calories, 10 grams of fat) is a gift from God. (So much so that I seriously doubt the calorie and fat content you report, but by NO MEANS do I want my eyes to be opened.) Your Low Fat Marionberry Muffin is so-so, but definitely edible.

But please, don't pretend you are a friend to my diet. You fuel my lifestyle with your tall Americanos with 1 ounce of whole milk and two packets of Splenda (19 calories, 1 gram of fat), but your role in my life is temptation, and I will resist you as much as I can. Don't patronize me with your talk of whole-grain and and attempt to fit your food into my life. Embrace your full-fat and calorie self, and be ready to welcome me with open arms when I deserve your treats.

Don't worry, Starbucks. Your coffee runs in my veins, and I will never leave you for another. Just don't try to keep me around with your silly claims and sillier food. The caffeine and sugar are quite enough!

Love,
Jessica