Don't do the crime. The problem is, I can do the time.
What's the crime, you ask? Straying horribly from my decent diet.
Some people have food triggers - things that set them off on a binge. One of mine is a good weigh-in at the 20/20 program office. That may seem counter-intuitive - but really, it's like, they think I'm doing a good job, therefore I can eat whatever I want.
Um, no. I can't.
So Wednesday night it was brownies, then yesterday was a struggle all day. It started out with some sweet bread at breakfast, continued with a small amount of mashed potatoes at lunch, then moved on to some pieces of chocolate in the afternoon, then - after a completely reasonable dinner with the girls - I went home and completely broke down, eating chocolate chips and making chocolate chip banana bread (and of course eating enough that I went to bed with a tummy ache).
That's the crime.
And the time? How about this: I slept horribly because of my cold (can't breathe through my nose, so my mouth gets really dry and nasty). I got up at 5 a.m. anyway and hit the gym. I started indoor cycling 15 minutes before class started - did my own workout throughout, completely tossing out the window any notion of base training with a low heart rate, then kept going for another 15 after class ended. And if that wasn't enough, I threw my running shoes on when I got off the bike, ran over to a treadmill, and pushed out two miles in 17:51 (faster than I've run in a long time, and this after 90 minutes of intense cycling).
I saw a max HR of 190. Woo. And you know what? My RPE - rate of perceived exertion - was probably no higher than 8 at any point, and mostly around 7. I wanted it to hurt, so I pushed past where on another day I might think I was at an RPE of 9 or 10.
I burned 1400 calories from this intense stuff plus my cooldown. So I probably made up for last night's binge.
But the question remains: Why do I have to? Why do I sabotage myself every time I'm on a good track? It's definitely all me - I don't have peer or family pressure to eat. Sometimes I even eat things I don't even like that much, just to shovel something in.
And the fact that I don't mind doing the time to pay for my mistakes only makes it worse. I know I can make up for bad eating by extra exercise - I even enjoy it. But that extra exercise isn't getting me ahead. It's keeping me even.
And at a time when I SAY I want to lose weight and hit 130 lbs - then stay there - I'm just getting in my own way.
So I almost wish I couldn't do the time. Maybe if I couldn't, I also wouldn't do the crime.
UGH.
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3 comments:
Hey Jess,
I wish I could solve that problem for you! I self-sabotage all the time, when I'm doing well and feeling invincible, and when I'm not doing well and it's all feeling pointless. Just remember that your "binges" are nowhere near as bad as they would have been before, or as many people's. You will get those last pounds off.
Kate
Its just hard to fight against the bodies natural urges. You do have control though, and you are a strong person to boot. Win the war! The battle is less important.
Take it from someone who's done this for the past 8 years: adding "junk miles" to make up for a binge is BAD BAD BAD. It works great at first...you can binge and avoid gaining weight. Then, like me, you end up with chronic injuries several years down the road (my knee, my shins and my left shoulder are in constant pain). I've been bingeing/excessive exercising since college, and it finally caught up with me this year. Unfortunately, I'm doing my first IM in Nov., so I'm forced to take 3 months off completely from biking and running to try to let everything heal before my training starts. Trust me on this one...do everything you can (books, therapy, etc.) to stop bingeing rather than making up for it with exercise! I wish someone had told me that years ago. :)
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